I was near tears as I realized I was terrified of going back into motherhood. For two days, I was able to live without any responsibilities beyond me and what I wanted to do.What was wrong with me? What was my deal? I’ve been doing this thing for nearly a decade now; you’d think I’d go into full automatic mom mode at a moment’s notice.
The truth is, this gig is an honor but a terrifying honor. I have loved these five little human beings with every fabric of this body they entered the world from but I have also failed them miserably. I have taught them about God’s unconditional love but then I’ve yelled at them more times than I can count. I’ve told my daughters they are beautiful but then, right in front of them, torn my own face to pieces with words of self disgust. I’ve told them they need to encourage one another and then lost patience when they don’t learn a concept quickly in school. I’ve told them to be kind with each other and then picked irrational fights with my husband.
In twenty years, I see them all sitting in counseling, telling a professional how they had a bad mom. I see them rehashing episode after episode of moments that crushed or hurt them. Have I done so much to hurt them that any positive things will not make up for the bad?
As mothers, we have no guarentee of the outcomes of our tainted, broken efforts. Each day is not only a new opportunity to put off sin and serve our families better then the day before. But lest we forget, it is also an opportunity to remember we are loved. As we pour into people day after day, week after week, year after year, there is one who wants to pour into us. With an unquenchable fountain of grace, love, mercy and nourishment beyond our imaginings. My Lord does not see a disgusting woman who yells when she shouldn’t and who is putting motherhood to shame. He sees a daughter who has entrusted her children to His care because she knows He is everything her five little people need.
Be sure of this. “Those who sow in tears will reap with shouts of joy.” Motherhood can be utterly terrifying but God did not call you to be perfect. He simply calls you to entrust every day, good or bad, to Him and He will make the broken beautiful.